Top 5 things to do in quarantine
The office is shut.
You can’t go to the pub.
And the only way of seeing your mates is via Houseparty, where everyone’s acting like Pictionary has just been invented.
Yep, these are the COVID-19 days: a time where self-distancing and no bog roll is suddenly the norm — as is having a shit load of time on your hands.
If you’d have asked us a few months ago what a Coronavirus was, we would have said it’s that thing that happens when you have too many beers. Which, to be fair, wouldn’t be that inaccurate: who else feels like this is one clusterfuck of a hangover?
Sadly, a Bloody Mary ain’t fixing this one. And if you’re lucky enough to be unaffected and sat on your arse at home all day, self-isolating — boredom is likely to have set in by now.
Thankfully, we’ve come up with some ideas to keep you entertained and ‘productive’ while you’re housebound.
Here’s our Top 5 things to do in quarantine:
1. Make use of free Pornhub Premium
Ok, we know you’re looking for a cultured guide to self-improvement and all (yeah right)… but FREE PORNHUB PREMIUM IS NOW A THING, PEOPLE.
That’s right, the porn giant is offering its subscription for free, worldwide, until 23rd April 2020. Mankind has literally never been more obligated to reach for the tissues and lock the door than right now, so do not waste another second.
Go forth and Pornhub.
2. Jazz up your pubes
Being stuck indoors, away from prying eyes and judgement, is the perfect time to experiment with your image and road test a few new looks.
There’s only so long you can keep yourself amused by shaving in comedy ‘taches, though. When that time comes, why not go one step further and give your pubes the mother of all makeovers? We’re talking stencils and novelty patterns here. This is art and you are the canvas. Go to town!
While you’re at it, give your balls a trim too — you’re gonna want those bad boys nice and smooth, so as to best showcase your pube masterpiece.
It’s what Picasso would have done, right?
3. Check your balls
April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month, so be sure to have a good inspection of your sack on Tuesday 7th April for National Ball Check Day.
Examining your balls is never something to rush or take lightly: testicular cancer is most common in males aged 15 to 44 but it’s also 99% curable if detected early.
Check out National Ball Check Day’s guide to inspecting your balls and post to social media using #NationalBallCheckDay and #ICheckedMyBalls.
Inspected balls are respected balls.
4. Turn the news into a drinking game
The news is depressing at the best of times, but nothing could have prepared us for the Corona takeover. Is anything else happening in the world right now? Who the fuck knows!
Luckily there’s a drinking game to be made here. Gather your mates on your preferred video chat app, crack open a few tins in your living room and have a swig every time someone on telly drops the C-bomb.
Yeah it’s shit and the beers will last precisely ten minutes — but it beats Pictionary, right?
5. Make binge-watching a science
Is it possible to complete all of Netflix? It’s time to finally find out…
With the hours stretching endlessly before you, you may be tempted to read a book, do some DIY or, y’know, learn a new skill.
However, do not be tempted into such sensible behaviour. Binging on shit TV and crappy films has NEVER been so socially acceptable. We may never get this free pass again, so grab the popcorn and get comfy because a serious marathon is about to go down.
If it makes you feel better, you can pretend it’s all in the name of ‘science’ by throwing on a white coat and tracking your activity on something like Bingeclock.
This website lets you save all the stuff you want to watch and gives you an exact calculation for the amount of time it’ll take.
What you do with this information is up to you, but if you print off a graph depicting the 14.93 hours it took you to watch the entire Rocky series, then we will personally frame it for you* because you are an absolute don.
That’s it! You’re successfully quarantining
We hope that’s given you all the inspiration you need to fill your time with important and life-affirming activities during the lockdown.
Check in on your loved ones, wash your hands like your life depends on it and stay safe!
* Er yeah, we probably won’t do that